The Return of eLf ideas

ideas of an eLven being in Canada

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I am now the master

Guilty as charged! Yes, I now belong to the countless number of bloggers who started prolifically but then faded away in a seeming oblivion, usually because of the new developments in one's life, as well as of his/her gradual change of priorities and focus on new extracurricular activities.

But at least, I can say that--before I somewhat faded out--I was able to document so many things and stories about my life as well as my observations of the things and of the people around me especially during my first three years in Canada--2003-2006--the period when I was still taking care of my now-late Grandfather--the toughest years of my life--the years I felt I was already giving up--I was really at my lowest point. I lost my self-esteem and self-confidence, and I spent so many sleepless nights.

But that period has since left me for good. I hope.

However, so many changes in my life also took place. Changes which made many people happy, but also which made some sad and hurt. But what can I do? I am only human--a holistic creature operated by both his mental/intellectual and emotional faculties.

Grandfather's death in July 2006 was both a sad and a happy day for me. I lost a bestfriend and a companion but I regained my freedom.

Only about two months after Grandfather's demise, I already landed a job--I mean, jobs! On the same day, I got hired by an A&W Restaurant as a crew member and by a health and home care agency as a health care aide or nursing assistant.

I resigned from the A&W after five months. I was enjoying my stay there, but of course, that job was only a stepping stone for me. I felt that that kind of job is only for working students. I mean, I am a registered nurse in my home country, the Philippines, so focusing on my other job I believe was the better choice. Thus, I concentrated on being a health care aide. After only one year of working for the agency, sending me most of the times to Riverview Health Centre, I resigned. For a better reason. I was offered a position at Riverview Health Centre. I grabbed the opportunity. I got hired. Now I have been with RHC for about a year now. And I'm enjoying my job--good pay too! I still need to take the nursing refresher course to be able to challenge the nursing licensure exam here in Manitoba. I might pursue it next year. I am not yet ready and inclined to do it.

I have been writing for the newspaper Filipino Journal for about three years now! And also, early this year, the publisher took me as one of its two associate editors. I could never ask for more. Really? Not. Hahaha! Of course, I will always ask for more dreams to fulfill. Dreams never end. And as I said, I'm only human.

After about six months of driving almost every day, with my Mazda 5 mini minivan, I could say that I'm a good driver now--confident and responsible and cool-headed.

I'm not yet married, but I have been living in with my girlfriend of two years whom I met here. She has three children from her previous marriage. I know, I know. Many people, especially those who are "concerned" about my well-being, would surely disapprove of it. But, I don't care.

If there's one thing that I'm greatly enjoying right now, considering the difficulties and tough life that I went through during my 'caregiver' days, it is this:

I am now living my life on my own accord. Almost everything that I have accomplished here in Canada, I owe to no one but myself. I worked hard for it. I was the one who really looked for jobs and I found jobs. I worked hard, prompting the hospital I'm working at now to hire me. I bought my Mazda 5 without the help of a co-maker or assistance from anyone. I am buying things with my own hard-earned money.

Yes, I am happy now.

But I have to admit it. I am never the same. I mean, the pains which I endured and scars I acquired during my miserable years remain in my heart. No matter how hard I try to forget, I just couldn't. Perhaps this is the reason I find difficulty in keeping in touch with the relatives with whom I stayed when Grandfather was still alive. Because, every time I see them or go to their houses, memories come flooding back. I feel like I'm somewhat reduced again to the worthless and penniless forsaken grandson. So, they couldn't blame me if I kind of lost the affection to and affinity with them. I call them once in a while, and that's it.

Some might say that my words and actions will surely hurt them. But, what about my life back then? I was terribly hurt, but no one really cared.

Now, are you gonna blame me?

Guilty or not guilty, I no longer care.

I am now the captain of my soul and the master of my fate!