The Return of eLf ideas

ideas of an eLven being in Canada

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I am now the master

.
Guilty as charged! Yes, I now belong to the countless number of bloggers who started prolifically but then faded away in a seeming oblivion, usually because of the new developments in one's life, as well as of his/her gradual change of priorities and focus on new extracurricular activities.

But at least, I can say that--before I somewhat faded out--I was able to document so many things and stories about my life as well as my observations of the things and of the people around me especially during my first three years in Canada--2003-2006--the period when I was still taking care of my now-late Grandfather--the toughest years of my life--the years I felt I was already giving up--I was really at my lowest point. I lost my self-esteem and self-confidence, and I spent so many sleepless nights.

But that period has since left me for good. I hope.

However, so many changes in my life also took place. Changes which made many people happy, but also which made some sad and hurt. But what can I do? I am only human--a holistic creature operated by both his mental/intellectual and emotional faculties.

Grandfather's death in July 2006 was both a sad and a happy day for me. I lost a bestfriend and a companion but I regained my freedom.

Only about two months after Grandfather's demise, I already landed a job--I mean, jobs! On the same day, I got hired by an A&W Restaurant as a crew member and by a health and home care agency as a health care aide or nursing assistant.

I resigned from the A&W after five months. I was enjoying my stay there, but of course, that job was only a stepping stone for me. I felt that that kind of job is only for working students. I mean, I am a registered nurse in my home country, the Philippines, so focusing on my other job I believe was the better choice. Thus, I concentrated on being a health care aide. After only one year of working for the agency, sending me most of the times to Riverview Health Centre, I resigned. For a better reason. I was offered a position at Riverview Health Centre. I grabbed the opportunity. I got hired. Now I have been with RHC for about a year now. And I'm enjoying my job--good pay too! I still need to take the nursing refresher course to be able to challenge the nursing licensure exam here in Manitoba. I might pursue it next year. I am not yet ready and inclined to do it.

I have been writing for the newspaper Filipino Journal for about three years now! And also, early this year, the publisher took me as one of its two associate editors. I could never ask for more. Really? Not. Hahaha! Of course, I will always ask for more dreams to fulfill. Dreams never end. And as I said, I'm only human.

After about six months of driving almost every day, with my Mazda 5 mini minivan, I could say that I'm a good driver now--confident and responsible and cool-headed.

I'm not yet married, but I have been living in with my girlfriend of two years whom I met here. She has three children from her previous marriage. I know, I know. Many people, especially those who are "concerned" about my well-being, would surely disapprove of it. But, I don't care.

If there's one thing that I'm greatly enjoying right now, considering the difficulties and tough life that I went through during my 'caregiver' days, it is this:

I am now living my life on my own accord. Almost everything that I have accomplished here in Canada, I owe to no one but myself. I worked hard for it. I was the one who really looked for jobs and I found jobs. I worked hard, prompting the hospital I'm working at now to hire me. I bought my Mazda 5 without the help of a co-maker or assistance from anyone. I am buying things with my own hard-earned money.

Yes, I am happy now.

But I have to admit it. I am never the same. I mean, the pains which I endured and scars I acquired during my miserable years remain in my heart. No matter how hard I try to forget, I just couldn't. Perhaps this is the reason I find difficulty in keeping in touch with the relatives with whom I stayed when Grandfather was still alive. Because, every time I see them or go to their houses, memories come flooding back. I feel like I'm somewhat reduced again to the worthless and penniless forsaken grandson. So, they couldn't blame me if I kind of lost the affection to and affinity with them. I call them once in a while, and that's it.

Some might say that my words and actions will surely hurt them. But, what about my life back then? I was terribly hurt, but no one really cared.

Now, are you gonna blame me?

Guilty or not guilty, I no longer care.

I am now the captain of my soul and the master of my fate!

10 Comments:

  • At Saturday, September 27, 2008 2:31:00 AM, Anonymous judy said…

    hey alf, i'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing, but i'm glad that you're doing well career-wise.
    ...some random comments...
    my impression of who you are (i admit we dont really know each other well) is someone who can transform his experiences, good or bad, so that others may learn from them.
    ...also, . . .
    sometimes, not caring at all is no different from caring too much. . . take care!

     
  • At Saturday, September 27, 2008 5:03:00 AM, Blogger nam / butch said…

    good job, alfie!

     
  • At Saturday, September 27, 2008 12:42:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Butch,
    So there you still are! Believe me, when I started to lost my drive to keep writing on this blogspot of mine, one reason for which is, I felt that the rest of the world has moved on. I mean, admittedly, one of the fulfilling returns of sharing one's experiences through the blogosphere is the realization that others are reading your stories and having the chance to relate with such stories.

    I long thought that the blogging phase of my life is over. But I think I'm mistaken.

    Thanks for all of you, who just reminded me that it is I who disappeared--not you my fellow bloggers.

    NOW, a new chapter of my blogging life is about to begin.

     
  • At Saturday, September 27, 2008 12:51:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Judy,
    Sometimes, one's ability to know the personality--or even the deep thoughts--of another does not depend on the length of her having known the person. Sometimes, a few meetings, especially of their minds, are enough to create a great impact and make a lasting impression.

    Thank you for your inspiring comments.

    I'm slowly shedding my hesitation to share some personal aspects of my life which I am now starting to learn to come to terms with.

    For, whatever happens, I remain myself.

     
  • At Sunday, September 28, 2008 3:34:00 AM, Blogger Ria said…

    ei alf,

    been a long time since i last checked in here -- sounds like life is treating you well. =)

    great goin! good luck and dream on!

     
  • At Monday, October 27, 2008 10:33:00 AM, Blogger leidivine said…

    kuya,
    bakit minsan mahirap i-verbalize ang nararamdaman. ganito rin kasi feeling ko ngayon eh. gusto ko lang sabihin na nakaka-relate ako. miss kita. ingat lagi.

     
  • At Monday, October 27, 2008 9:29:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Lei,
    Thanks for sharing openly what you feel something similar right now.

    Oh well, that's life. Unpredictable. Very surprising--enough to surprise even ourselves once in a while.

    I'm just being honest with what I feel. Of course, each of us has her own deepest secrets, but to be able to express some which are not that dark helps us ease the emotional burden that we feel.

    Besides, if you will observe the millions of blog sites on the Net right now, it simply shows that most--if not all--human beings crave to be heard, noticed, and felt belonged. I'm one of those. Simple as that. I don't want to be a hypocrite to say that I write on the Net some chapters of my life without the need for others to read about them.

    At least, I have also a positive purpose in doing this--aside from documenting my life for my own sake and for posterity's sake--that is, to serve as an example to others that humans are very emotional and unpredictable beings.

    Just keep on expressing yourself. To suppress your feeling is to imprison your spirit.

     
  • At Thursday, November 20, 2008 10:34:00 PM, OpenID blackhart said…

    hi there,
    isinulat mo na ang iyong karanasan as a CG ngayon. ako, i'm still going through it though i altered what it has to become had i stayed there. but the feelings toward the relatives where but the same.
    but same thing as you did... i keep on looking forward and trying hard not to hold grudges on anyone. after all, t'was my choice to be here. *_^

     
  • At Friday, November 21, 2008 12:04:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Ria,
    Yeah, it's been a long while. Buti ka pa, ilang balikbayan na. As for me, not yet for the meantime. But life is good, better, but no longer aiming for the best; better is good enough and better.

     
  • At Friday, November 21, 2008 12:09:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Blackhart,
    Fortune always comes out of misfortunes…well, at least, that’s what we learn from positivists. Just keep holding on to whatever remaining fabrics of life you can hold onto in your heart.

    Cellphone bills? I curse all time, every time I receive my billing statement. What we expect is usually beyond our grasps.

    Just like life, we think that we know and that we’re always ready for whatever will come our way; we have expectations. But in the end, we still get disappointed–simply because life is always surprising–for the better or for the worse, nonetheless still surprising.

    Keep on blogging.

     

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