The Return of eLf ideas

ideas of an eLven being in Canada

Monday, April 10, 2006

The 56th of a Dozen Verses

.
My fear more than Death is failure to realize many of my plans, in case I'm destined to live a shorter life.


Verses I wrote a few minutes ago, effected by severe anxiety and uncertainty...




Ako ay kinakabahan
Sa maaaring mangyari.
Di pa 'ko handang lumisan.

Ako lang ba ang nandito
Sa kalagayang kayhirap?
Isa nga ba 'kong payaso?

Wala naman akong bisyo,
Pero di ligtas sa sakit.
Ayaw ko pang madedo.

Lahat ba ng bayani ay
Kelangang magsakripisyo
Nang gumanda'ng talambuhay?

Ang hirap ng nag-iisa,
Lalo't tambak ang pagsubok.
Utak ko ay nakukulta.

Bakit ang buhay ay laging
Ganyan—sa bawat pag-usad
Ay merong hadlang at daíng?

Kung sakali ngang tutuo
Ang aking 'kinatatakot,
Ano'ng mararamdaman n'yo?

Pasensya na't litó ako
Sa kasalukuyang dagok.
Wag sana masira'ng ulo.

Wag mong sabihing napos ng
Lahat ay wala rin akong
Mapapala. Anak ka ng...!

'gang sa'n ba 'ko susubukan?
Bakit, bayani ba ako?
Di'k' mapigil—kamalasan.

Ako ay nanghihina na,
Malapit na ring sumuko.
Kamatayan, huwag muna.

May sakit daw ako, pero
Sabi ng doktor kanina,
Hindi pa tiyak kung ano.

6 Comments:

  • At Tuesday, April 11, 2006 3:56:00 AM, Blogger pinky said…

    Ummm...are you really sick? I hope not.

     
  • At Friday, April 14, 2006 2:08:00 AM, Blogger Jennie said…

    Hi eLf! How have you been? By the way, I have changed my blog link. It's

    http://sassy-melbournite.blogspot.com

    Love the video! Woman in Chains! I love TFF!!!

     
  • At Friday, April 14, 2006 1:23:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Pinky,
    Yes, I'm sick. Actually before going here I had a hard time with my medical because I have a history of primary PTB, but then I was treated.

    However, the scar remained.

    Now, I've had my second x-ray and sputum test, but still uncleared by the immigration doctor. I am yet to undergo another x-ray in July. PTB has been ruled out, so there must be a yet-to-be-diagnosed illness.

    Add to that, Grandfather's deterioration continues to suck and drain all my remaining hopes and energy.

    I just hope I can soon get out of this trial not so damaged.

     
  • At Friday, April 14, 2006 1:25:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Jennie,
    I'll update my link then...

    I'm still hanging on, but my health is deteriorating as well. It's hard when, instead of being with someone to look after me, I am with someone who himself is near death. Grandfather's getting weaker and weaker, and his weakness is draining all my remaining spirits.

     
  • At Friday, April 14, 2006 1:34:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    PS:
    Actually, I'm immersing myself with this TFF song (one of my most favorite TFF songs) these dark days. Obviously I feel like a "man in chains."

     
  • At Monday, April 17, 2006 1:58:00 AM, Blogger pinky said…

    Uy, I hope this'll help:

    Drink gallons and gallons of milk (ung mga nasa carton) kasi it'll clear up your lungs for the x-ray. This according to my friend who's a nurse and ganun ang ginawa nila sa pamangkin niya na may scarring din ang lungs at kinailangan ding magpa-x ray for immigration/visa purposes. :)

     

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