Is that something flickering the light at the end of this dark and narrow....

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March 27, 2006
Monday

My auntie from British Columbia, who serves as the employer for my being Grandfather's live-in caregiver, called to relay a good news.

A new letter for me coming from Immigration has arrived, informing me that while they are still processing my immigration papers I could now apply for an open-work permit. This means that, after I had applied for it and had received the document, I could now work in any job I want. As of today, my eligibility to work here in Canada is limited to being a live-in caregiver. And now that Immigration has granted me the eligibility to apply for the open-work permit, I could somehow start thinking about my next steps. Usually, granting of an open-work permit takes about one month after Immigration's receipt of the application form.

The big question is, what happens now to Grandfather?

I'd no longer dwell again on this topic, for I already blogged about it a number of times.

What I'd rather like to answer is, What happens to me now?

Here're my short-term plans:

1. Next week, after procuring the necessary requirements and filling out the form, I'd submit my application via mail. The waiting process takes about a month.

2. While waiting for the new work permit, I'd begin scouting for possible jobs at nursing homes and other hospitals or institutes. In the meantime, I want to land a job as a nurse aid or healthcare aid. I'm considering a graveyard shift, so I could still look after Grandfather during the day.

3. I will be frugal with my salary, most of which I will save for the purpose of having money when I decide to move out of my relatives' house and stay in a rooming apartment.

4. Yes, as soon as I have been granted the permanent-resident status, I would no longer take care of Grandfather. I leave the responsibilities to his children here. They should "sit down" to plan and decide about their next steps for Grandfather. I don't want them to include me in that "round table" discussion.

5. I continue with my Psychology homestudy.

6. When I already have work, I'll inquire about how to upgrade my nursing skills, so I can elevate myself from being an aid.

7. My permanent-resident document might arrive not until June. This should give Grandfather's children more than enough time to plan.

8. For the meantime, I need to have some courage to be able to open up to my relatives the topic of "who's gonna take care of Papa now?" because they are not taking the initiative to talk about it.

9. I might just express my thoughts and feelings to Grandfather's eldest, who's in the United States, through e-mail. He should be the one to "gather" his siblings to discuss about what to do with their 91-year-old father when I'm finally out of the picture--their deteriorating father who now wets his pants and no longer knows what he ate or did an hour ago, who feels dizzy and complains of stomachache and chest pain virtually every day, who could no longer eat as much as a few spoonfuls, who can no longer take a bath on his own, who can no longer walk several meters without grasping for breath, who gets cranky most of the times and displaces to me his resentments and ire, who is always telling me that he feels his children no longer care for him and that he already wanted to die. And do you know WHO carries all the burden? E-mail me if you want to know the answer.

I've realized that, sometimes (or most of the times), talking about a serious matter with someone far away is far much easier than discussing it with those who are nearby. Besides, I feel that I can express myself (and present my arguments) much better through writing than through speaking.

10. I am now entertaining the idea of relocating, in the near future, to another province, perhaps Ontario or Alberta. Why not British Columbia, where Vancouver is? Oh well, the weather is fine, but, well, never mind.

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I've long realized that Life is really unfair. Every time I receive a good news or a blessing, a trying circumstance inevitably accompanies it.

Life, fvck you!