The Worst Year of My Life

.
December 24, 2005
Saturday

My deities! Not only to all of you but also for myself that I'm feeling guilty and sorry. I have so many stories and ideas to share, as always, but I'm unable to linger on the PC longer; add to that, the PC's too slow that it couldn't accommodate photo uploading and other stuff.

I also noticed that my ranking on the Pinoy Top Blogs has rocketed from 32 to 52! Even I missed my usually lengthy rants and moonings. Oh, I have really to catch up and compensate for this on my return to Winnipeg.

Yes, I am able to go to the malls (with my cousins) once in a while, but I just realized that the "freedom" I'm yearning for will always be elusive as long as I remain to be Grandfather's caregiver. Several weeks before December, I was looking forward to this Ontario vacation; because I thought that it would serve as an "escape" from Grandfather. I was wrong. I now acknowledge the fact that regardless where I am, as long as I am with Grandfather, I will always be a prisoner. And I'm sad because of that.

From about midnight until morning, Grandfather has to void on an hourly frequency. Yes, I'm not exaggerating nor speaking figuratively; Grandfather goes up every hour, and I, of course, have to assist him lest he might make a mess of urine all over the bedroom or the washroom. And I feel so much helpless and frustrated about this. I couldn't have a proper sleep. Sometimes, I just gnash my teeth and contort my face just to vent out the anger and resentment...until I fall on a sob on the pillow.

I know that most of you will say that I should understand Grandfather, for he's already 90. Of course, I very well understand his condition...considering the fact that I've been his caregiver for two years and a half now. It's not that I don't understand him. In fact, I very well understand and know his condition. I'm a nurse, remember? Add to that, Psychology and Psychiatry are included on my list of favorite subjects.

The problem is simple! The burden of physically and emotionally taking care of Grandfather has been thrown solely at me for quite sometime now. And I could no longer soften the blow and impact. I feel like I'm more burdenened than someone who has an infant to nurture.

Not that I'm ranting...err...okay, I'm ranting. And it's Chirstmastime! Oh well.

I feel like listing my Christmas wishes and my New Year's resolution...but then I just realized that I don't need to make a list for I have only a few...

Christmas wish - that my status may soon become a "permanent resident" so I may begin looking for a real job, start to save money for my planned homecoming in 2007, and finally free myself from Grandfather.

Christmas resolution - I will try to eat more to compensate for my lack of sleep.

Yes, this may come across as being ungrateful and unconscientious but I declare! as soon as I become a permanent resident, thus allowing me to work in a real job, I will no longer take care of Grandfather. The time that I sacrificed--the heartaches, loneliness, pennilessness, feelings of worthlessness, resentments, harsh words, oh the list goes on and on--IS enough!

I have my own life to take care of and own dreams and plans to pursue. My relatives should be more mature (than I am) to realize that they cannot leave Grandfather's fate completely in my hands. By the time I become an immigrant I will have done my part...done my share. I'm itching to make a detailed list of all the sacrifices I continue to make as well as the failure of my relatives to "see" my sorry plight, but never mind; I'm not that cruel.

Just let me earn my freedom back (Do I have to earn it?) Perhaps, the proper words are: Give me back my freedom! Give me back my life!

My feelings have been lynched for so long. I want to be able to feel again how to sleep alone on a bed, how to wake up in the morning without having someone to look after if he's still breathing or what, how to walk normally, how to eat every mealtime without having someone to feed, how to think and care again only for myself.

For me, the word caregiver has long lost its meaning. Yes, I am my Grandfather's caregiver...I am the one who "gives" him "care" day in, day out, every day, every night, virtually twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! BUT the care I've been giving him is no longer a kind of care which is being given wholeheartedly.

I have become a robot. I give the care no longer because I pity and care for Grandfather; I am giving the care only because I have to, I need to, and I have no other choice for the meantime but to sacrifice my own life.

And my mind is already numb!

All I'm waiting for is to finish this unasked-for task...and I will be totally out of this.

For good! For myself! And for the people whom I want to take care of.

A lonely Christmas to myself.

And a hopeful New Year nonetheless.

Pardon me for being a quite bad eLf this Yuletide season; in fact I didn't buy anything for anyone...not even a postcard or a greeting card...not even if for my parents, sisters, nephews, niece, and fiancee who are all in the Philippines.

Not that I don't care for them...but simply because of the lack of enough money and time and chance to go to the mall on my own.

Forgive me; for the first time in my life, I have been doing my Christmas shopping for no one else but myself.

I have bought another furry coat, pants, and a book. In the coming days, I will buy a new DM boots, another pair of pants, a number of books, and other stuff for myself.

This season, I will be materialistically self-centered for the meantime. Much of everything that I'll be doing, will be for no one but myseLf!

I was born guilty...

Alone, this is the worst year of my life...