The Return of eLf ideas

ideas of an eLven being in Canada

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Thirty-seventh of a Dozen Verses

(September 2005 poems)
.

At 90, Grandfather already knows his time is near. Every time he would start uttering these simple but dreadful words: "Malapit na 'kong mamatay [I'll be dying soon]," I'd increase the TV's volume or quietly leave the room.

I have to admit that—after two years (and counting) of having to be the one to serve virtually twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week without salary nor regular allowance as not only his caregiver but also his shock absorber and scapegoat for all his repressed and suppressed frustrations and resentments in his long life, my feelings for Grandfather has long become ambivalent. There are moments when I can understand him, when I pity him; but there are also instances when I blow my top and get seriously annoyed by him to the extent that I would sleep on the floor (we share the same bed) just so I won't see his face or hear his snore. Sometimes I wish that he finally rest in eternal peace; but then again, I also fear the big possibility that his death will certainly have a major psychological effect on me (for I will certainly be the first person to see him dying)—not that I will miss him—but that I feel the sudden change of routine after his demise will surely alter my sense of purpose. I'm caught in ambivalence and in emotional dilemma.

I really have to express my gratitude to my Muses and sources of inspiration, without whom and which I could not imagine what ways I have long been expressing all my most negative emotions.

$$$

Here are some more waluwaluwaló – short poems of three eight-syllable lines (8-8-8) with the rhyme pattern a, b, a—all of which I wrote during the last days of Autumn. Obviously, Grandfather is the catalyst of most of the verses below. I'm sorry that my emotions in these verses had to be of this kind. "Time heals all wounds." But, do all scars go away?

Ubó na naman ni Lolo
Ang bumati sa ’kin ngayon.
D’yusko! Wala na bang bago?

Mainit yata ngayon, ah?
Eh kagabi, sobrang ginaw.
Panaho’y katakataka.

Sumasakit kanyang dibdib;
Ako yata’y ganyan na rin.
Mistula kaming nagsanib.

May kaluluwa nga ba ’ko?
Sige, ako’y kumbinsihin
Habang ako’y nalilito.

Mga kapitbahay namin,
Abala sa pagdadamo.
Kung gawa nga lang ang amin.

Dal’wang taon na’ng lumipas,
Pero iníp pa rin ako.
Naligáw ba ’ko ng landas?

Tama ba’ng aking desisyon—
Pagtuloy sa ibang bansa,
Nang matupad ang ambisyon?

Gusto ko nang magtrabaho;
Ang utak ko ay sabik na;
Para na ’kong nabobobo.

Kaylan kaya ako muling
Sasakay ng eroplano
At lalapag sa ’yong piling?

’bagal ng takbo ng oras,
Parang lakad ng lolo ko.
Lungkot ko ay dumadalas.

Si Lolo’y nananaginip,
Nagsasalita nang tulog.
Ano kaya’ng nasa isip?

Kamut dito, kamot doon—
Ganyan s’ya pag naiinis…
Ako lagi’ng sinasabon.

10 Comments:

  • At Tuesday, November 29, 2005 2:57:00 AM, Blogger Jennie said…

    I guess your feelings are somewhat understandable. Being with a person day and night can be sometimes trying to one's patience. This does not mean that you're a bad person. You're just human after all. Besides, if you were really a bad person then you would have left your grandfather a long time ago.

    Patience is a virtue. Treasure what little time you have left with your grandfather. Good luck.

     
  • At Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:10:00 AM, Blogger Jayce Cortez Jacinto said…

    There's always seems to be the sense of a storm's arrival with the knowledge of an inevitable death.With it comes a lot of feelings we really do not expect to feel. For someone (me)who lives just on the outskirts of that knowledge,it already is a scary experience...how much more for you, who has to live in its very eye and deal with it as if it SHOULD be part of your day to day existence.But with that knowledge is an awareness of its flipside...that there is much about life that we can savor, much to be thankful for and much that we can do to make our own lives rich.I guess this is what keeps me going...knowing that life can be beautiful after the storm passes.

    And Jennie's right.You're not bad.We're human.I admire your courage and patience,really.

     
  • At Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:20:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Dear Jennie,
    Honestly, all of you guys have been a big part of why I am still coping.

    Yes, luckily I can still control my madness.

     
  • At Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:23:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Dear Jayce,
    Wonderfully strange--that even words coming from people like you whom I just recently met--and on the Net for that matter--create a big impact on my day to day struggle--a positive impact.

    And thank you very much for reminding me that "life can be beautiful after the storm passes."

    I'm coping, chiefly because of friends and acquaintances like you.

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:19:00 AM, Anonymous Giselle said…

    Dearest Alfie,

    I have walked the path you are continuing to tread todate.....the slight difference was that my grandparents, 20 years apart from each demise, were both proud and resillient and never admitted to anyone that their time was drawing to a close....I grew up with both of them taking care of me and it's weird because I inherited their traits (especially my grand dad's thoughts and mannerisms)...they always told me that life will continue and life will forever evolve and that oftentimes, in my hour of great need, they will come. I saw each of them die and held them every step of the way and somehow, the hours of day spent with them were never enough nor the laughter and the tears.

    True, it's maddening at the state where you are now and facing reality is the harshest step ever taken and oftentimes, values and even beliefs and religion....even God himself is questioned.....however, what your grandfather needs is not only compassion but the assurance that you will not forget his deeds and thoughts and the good things he has imparted to you.

    Believe me, if you are hurt with what you are seeing and feeling, that goes double for him because the last thing he needs to feel is that you are in pain because of the circumstances prevailing.

    This I learned when each of my grandparents refused to admit defeat even until the final hour and would even smile until the very last breath.

    Think of it this way, your grandfather is an angel sent on earth in order to give his siblings guidance but afterwards, they have to return in order to further fullfill their angelic duties to a higher calling.

    My thoughts may not give you comfort but I hope it gives you guidance especially in this cold season and warm hearts.

    skyray is love,
    Giselle

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:11:00 PM, Blogger twistedpeenut said…

    matagal na namin ksama ang lola namin bali nung naging soloist na sya sa kanyang buhay lumipat na sya samin pamilya cguro may 20 taon mahigit na namin sya nakasama.... paborito nya akong apo kc ako yata ang kaunaunahang apo nya naalala ko nun na binibilhan nya ako ng mga laruan nung bata pa ako at binibigyan ng pera sa kanyang pension. high school ako lahat kme mga apo nya ay nag aaral di maiwasan na naiiwan sya sa bahay nalala ko pag niyayapos nya kme ng pagmamahalpag umuuwi na kme . pero minsan nakukulitan ako sa kanyan dahi ginagawa kming baby. steady lang pa rin pero nung naging college na ko unting unti nagiging pasaway si lola nalala ko nasambit ko sa sobrang galit na kunin na sya ni lord ewan ko ba kung bakit ko nasasabi yun eh di ko talaga maiwasan kc sobrang pasaway kc ni lola no pero di ko namamalyan ang mga nagnyayari sa isang matanda tulad nya. habang dumadaan ang panahon unting unti kinukuha yung buhay ni lola una yung kanyang mga mata; si lola di na makakita naglagay na nga kme ng lubid patungo sa kasilyas na nagsilbi gabay nya pakapa kapa sya nun. pagkatapos isang umaga nabagon ako nagn nakita ko nakahilata sa sahig si lola akala ko umaarte sya nun kc bumabalik sa pagkabata naalala ko nun galit ako sa kanya kinabukasn hindi napala sya nakalaakad akala namin bumigay tuhod nya!. si lola bed riden nah!!! mga 3 years cguro o five years syang ganun eh!!! wala kming pambayad na pang yaya kay lola kaya kme kme na lang. minsan naiiwan namin sya magisa sa bahay pero binibilin namin sya sa katulong ng kapit bahay pero bago kme magsipasok sa eskwela pinapalita namin yn plangana na may tae nya pinapakian namin sya bago magsiaalis at kailanga deretso ng uwi sa bahay eh ako lang ang lalaki sa bahay di ko maiwasan magbulakbol dahil iniiwasan ko responsibildad ko ky lola. eh buti na lang 2 kapatid ko babae hehehehe! salbahe ako ky lola nun lalo na pag sabado pag araw na nag kanyang paligo kc bubuhation ko si lola dadalihin sa banyo tapos si mama ang magpapaligo tapos mga kapatid kung mga babae ang magpapalit ng plangana na may tae at kobre kama na amoy ehje!( si lola kc kaya nya mag lagay ng plagana pag dudmi sya) minsan evacuate kme ng mga kwarto namin kc amoy cr ang mga kwato namin( si lola kc nakikishare ng kama sa kwato ng 2 kong kapatid na babae at katabi ko lang yung kwato nila) parang nagkaroon kme ng baby nun ang hirap mag alag ng matanda. minsan sa sobran bwsit ko nababagngit ko na kunin na si lola ni lord sa sobrang bwisti ko dahil pabigat sya!!! eh minsan bumibigay puso ko sa kanya naawa na lang ako . minsan na lang gulat kme na lumaki na yung bed sore ni lola kylanga na namin sya dalhin sa ospital at lalo kming nahirapan sa kanya isang bwan kme nawalan ng tulog ng dahil ky lola eh wala pa ko trabaho nun kaka resign ko ata sa first job ko!! rotation kme ng kapatid ko basta dalawa dawala lagi ang bantay kc si lola makulit talaga dahil tintangal nya yung swero nya kaya kaylanga may nakabantay sa kanys 24 hours grabe wala kmeing tulog. yung huling araw ni lola na kapiling namin sya hirap na hirap kme . nang nalaman ko na wala na sya (kc kakapalit lang sakin nung araw nayun) kme biglang nagflash back ako sa mga ginawa ko mga nasabi ko sa kanya di ko naman sinasadya yung mga nsabi ko di ko sya napasalamatan di ako nakahingi ng sori sa kanya nagsisi ako kung bakit di ko inalagaan ng mabuti si lola nagsisis ako bakit lagi ako wala sabahay pag nagiisa si lola, si lola humihingi ng kaunting attention lamang sa mga apo minsan naiicip na wala ako kwentang apo at ako pa' ang paborito ni lola. nagsisis ako. lola kung nasaan kaman sori patawad lola.... biglla ko naicip yun mga bagay na yun kc sa huling bwan nya lalo ako napalapit ky lola nung kaylan na pawala na sya sa munso. totoo talaga ang kasabihan na nasa huli lagi ang pagsisisi.

    kaya idol alagan at mahalin mo ng mabuti si lolo one of a kind lang yan parang action figure (rare hehehe) atsaka pag tumatanda talgang makulit pag nawala yan hahagulgol ka dyan ay ikaw pa yung lagi kasama nyan!!!!
    grand pa and ma RULES!!!!

    oo nga pala ako si carl yung kaibigan ni aris (aka april rocket ata sya yung isa sa may maraming ding compilation ng indie song )HLHD

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:29:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Giselle,
    Of course, your words of wisdom helps a lot. Sometimes, eventhough how good each of us in offering pieces of advice to our friends, we usually fail when it comes to applying such advice to our own predicaments.

    Salamat, as always. Sabi mo, kaya ka nag-decide finally to start a blog site of your own e dahil na-inspire ka ng blog site ko. Actually, this is mutual. Admittedly, kaya siguro hanggang ngayon ay masipag pa rin ako sa pagsusulat dito e dahil alam kong maraming tumatangkilik at nakikinig at nakikiramay sa mga iba't ibang klaseng emosyon na dumarating sa buhay ko.

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:36:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Carl,
    Di ko alam kung paano ka pasasalamatan sa pagbabahagi mo ng sarili mong karanasan sa pag-aalaga ng matanda. Bigla akong napatunganga sa kwento mo. Mas matindi ang pinagdaanan mo at sinapit ng lola mo. Walang sinabi ang lolo ko, na bagama't pasaway na rin, nakalalakad at nakapag-iisip pa nang maayos kahit paano.

    Bigla na namang nangibabaw anf pagmamahal at pagdamay keysa pagkainis.

    Salamat.

    Tulad nga ng sabi ni Jennie at Jayce sa comments nila...hindi rin natin kasalanan na makapagbitiw ng mga masasakit na salita at panalangin dahil naiipit lang tayo ng sitwasyon. Ang mahalaga siguro ay nanduon yung pagsisisi. Huli man eto, nakapagpapabago pa rin ng mga ugali at pananaw natin. At lahat ng eto e mahirap ma-realize kapag nag-iisa ka lang. Kaya salamat sa mga pakikiramay n'yo.

    Hamo, hindi ko kayo bibiguin, lalo na at mukhang malaki ang respeto n'yo sa akin bilang myembro ng Half Life Half Death. Titibayan ko pa ang loob ko at iisipin ko palagi na kailangan ni Lolo ng ibayong pag-unawa lalo na at mga huling araw na ang inilalagi n'ya sa mga panahong ito.

    Regards to Riz.

     
  • At Friday, December 02, 2005 4:05:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sabi nga ni ermats and other elders "swe-swertihin ka sa buhay kapag pinagsilbihan mo ang matatanda". Aba malaking karangalan yang pagaalaga mo kay lolo. Minsan biruin mo, "Lolo, salamat kundi dahil sa inyo walang HLHD" :)


    Riz


    //Pasensya na pre medyo busy, I will send you another round of mp3 madness next time.

     
  • At Tuesday, December 06, 2005 12:41:00 PM, Blogger eLf ideas said…

    Riz,
    Malaking tulong ang mga shared thoughts n'yo.

    U2 was right, "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own."

     

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