The Return of eLf ideas

ideas of an eLven being in Canada

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Goodbye, Indefinitely...


My friend Connie (Tuazon), who also lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba, lent me these books several days ago. Perhaps it is a sign that I need to rest for a while the writer in me and unleash for the meantime the reader... Posted by Hello

THIS! is it. Lest I become more and more redundant and obviously lackluster with my current writings, I now decide to take an indefinite hiatus.

No other reason I could cite but the boredom, the incurable homesickness, and the feeling of uselessness.

I'm missing my focus. I'm losing my sense of purpose.

I feel like a great talent whom has been put to waste and rot for the past twenty-three months. Okay, let's make it look positive...I'm a great talent being preserved and aged. But, my situation is again taking its toll on me. Even the finest wines have their expiry dates. By the time I get to free myself from this bondage and finally to work, I feel I'd be as dumb and clueless as a novice. I really feel like a prisoner waiting for his time to be released. I mean, have you ever wondered why many prisoners, who had been waiting all their lives in their cells for their release, had in the end chosen to remain incarcerated after all? I feel exactly the same way. I am like a prisoner who is altogether excited and scared to be freed.

I'm excited finally to be freed from my duties to my grandfather, but I'm also scared finally to be released into the real world of Canada. Because, I know the three years of my having been stripped of my right to work and decide on my own will certainly have a retarding effect on my personality.

This August, I'll be celebrating my second anniversary here in Canada, my second anniversary away from home, my second anniversary of being jobless, penniless, and useless to myself. And this means, I would then be eligible to apply for my permanent resident status; however, the possible approval of which after about another year will not mean I will be finally free...for no one will replace me as my grandfather's keeper. And this leaves me with only two choices--abandon the old man and go free OR stay put until his death.

And, knowing me, which do you think I will choose?

For now, no amount of pity nor encouragement nor even condolences can comfort my ever restless heart and uncertain mind.

So, I now take an indefinite leave from the cyberworld.

Like a hermit, I will once again retreat into my own nest...in the silent and non-interactive company of my books. I wish to be like a monk for the meantime, forever thinking and observing but never interacting nor responding.

I am hoping that in the silence of my self, my nest and my books I find a new source of hope, vigor, and inspiration.

But for now, I'm a firefly which has exhausted all its luciferin, thus losing the luminescence of its ass.

Goodbye for now.

I rest my fingers.

See me when the Light becomes bright again.

My deep gratitude to everyone who kept on fluttering by my site. Keep on cross-pollinating the eLf ideas of my mind.

This is your friend eLf, signing off...indefinitely...



..............................................................................................Away.
.......................................................................and
.................................................flap,
...........................flap,
Flap,

12 Comments:

  • At Saturday, July 09, 2005 3:41:00 AM, Anonymous Banshee_05 said…

    And in 7 days time, you can Harry Potter and The Half-Blod Prince to your stack. Have you pre-ordered yours, yet?

    The Banshee is a complete PotterHead!!!

     
  • At Saturday, July 09, 2005 10:25:00 AM, Blogger Mary said…

    Hi there. Thank you for your kind words. If you would like to link my blog, by all means, please feel free. Enjoy your books.

     
  • At Saturday, July 09, 2005 2:58:00 PM, Blogger vayie said…

    you will come back sooner than you might expected. i swear those fingers will itch in no time.

     
  • At Saturday, July 09, 2005 6:47:00 PM, Blogger Jennie said…

    As Vayie said, you won't be gone for long. People of the pen cannot help but write, and write you will.

    We'll be waiting! ^_^

     
  • At Sunday, July 10, 2005 9:20:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ...i am afraid of being on this shore,
    a branchless trunk and what i most regret is having no flower, pulp, or clay
    for the worm of my display

    ...never let me lose what i have gained,
    and adorn the branches of your river
    with leaves of my estranged Autumn.

    sonnet of the sweet complaint/
    federico garcia lorca


    to a brighter sail when we see you again on the shore...
    ROMMIE

     
  • At Sunday, July 10, 2005 5:36:00 PM, Anonymous jayge said…

    Go and hibernate...for after hibernation comes a refreshed but hungry eLf---hungry to share his dreams and new ideas to his loved fellows.

     
  • At Monday, July 11, 2005 2:12:00 AM, Blogger Ria said…

    we all need to take breaks, sometimes, longer than others. but you will eventually come back. :) a creative mind cannot really rest.

    i've been going tru something similar, my job does not really require any brains, and i feel like i've detoriated. but it is during this time that i am able to find my story-telling self (though i keep to myself at this point) and have produced more paintings than before.

    we need to quiet a part of ourselves, for the other parts to be heard. =)

    keep well.

    btw, tell me when you get the mag copy. i sent it via courier last week.

     
  • At Tuesday, July 12, 2005 8:35:00 PM, Blogger demolition said…

    tama!pahinga ka muna. bukas na ulit...hehehe

    ---Pres. Noli de Castro

     
  • At Thursday, July 14, 2005 8:04:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yuck danielle steel! haha! sorry cons...basta lang...hehe!

     
  • At Thursday, July 14, 2005 8:04:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oops ako yan...

    -c.

     
  • At Thursday, July 14, 2005 10:17:00 AM, Anonymous meann said…

    hi tnx for droppin by my blog, sure you can link me. tc!:)

     
  • At Sunday, July 17, 2005 12:08:00 AM, Blogger TatangREtong said…

    It is in your mind. What you think is what becomes reality. You can think that you are a prisoner or you can think that you are a writer doing research. There are so many people who wait for success, but sometimes, you have to take it for yourself. There is no excuse. YOU have to do it.

     

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