Blue Summer

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May 28, 2006
Sunday

If every day is like this particular Sunday, then I'd be a very, very miserable charming man.

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To compensate for my laziness to write or post something new on my blog site, I'll just share with all of you the letter I e-mailed a while ago to my best-friend Rain. I think this sums up my feelings and state of mind during the previous weeks and at present.

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Rain,

How are you? Have you taken care of the orders of your album?
My musician friends here who listened to your album have nothing but praises. I know I don't need to elaborate about that--the usual awe on your guitar ideas and music itself.

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Concerning my live band. Sad to say, I suddenly lost the spark. I thought that the gig last night would recharge me, but on the contrary, it was a sort of a realization that I no longer belong to the stage the way I used to.

We were third to play. I had many friends and relatives in the audience. In fact they were cheering all through out the set. As usual, the rest of the audience were in awe of my unusual performance and sense of fashion. But it was me. I was so immersed in my craft onstage, yet I still felt incomplete and empty all through out the performance. I was like a jester there--trying to entertain the audience with my antics, but deep inside I was feeling lost and alone.

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I'd rather focus on the recording with Emong Payaso of new originals. That's it for me in terms of music. I think I have to bow out of stage performance for good, or at least for the time being.

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The publisher of The Filipino Journal, Mr. Rod Cantiveros, for which I'm writing was there to watch. He was covering the event. He approached me and called me by my first name. He told me that my articles have been receiving positive remarks from the Filipino community, and that they'd be giving me an honorarium next time. That--I'm excited about--both the remarks and the honorarium, of course.

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I really couldn't pinpoint the reason I'm still depressed (not clinically though) despite my extracurricular activities. Grandfather is still at the hospital. I only go there during daytime. I get to go home at night and have a good sleep. But being alone in the house most of the times is making me sad and empty. No matter how good to me my relatives are, I still need to live my own life. I want freedom from loneliness and helplessness, and from anxiety and uncertainty. I really want my freedom back. But I'm also careful too of this I'm wishing for, because I know that if ever I move out to live on my own, there'd be no turning back. So, I need to be successful or, at least, self-sufficient for my own survival.

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Oh, by the way, I'd share with you one of my recent great accomplishment. I've finally had the courage to take the written driving exam, last Wednesday. Thanks to my friends Weng and King, who took the exams with me. We found confidence from one another. Fortunately, all us three passed it. I have now a temporary driving license. Therefore, taking professional driving lessons should be a priority on my next agenda. However, I need to wait after nine months before I can take the road test, and passing which will finally earn me a professional driving license. But before that--I must really learn first how to drive. I never drove in the Philippines, so this would be something new to me. I just hope that I can learn driving with ease.

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Have you started recording my request? "The Dance of the Marionettes" and an acoustic version of "Unfated Love"? By the way, why did you leave the "More to Lose" in your album without a voice? Was that intentional?

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I already finished the new design of our band Half Life Half Death's The Halven Trilogy CDs. I added a few songs which were previously not included. Part Three of the trilogy--the design is finished as well, and also the intended tracklist; but I'm still waiting for the music files from a friend in the Philippines who would be converting into MP3s the contents of the reel tape of early Half Life studio recordings. I plan to include "Marionettes" and the "Unfated" acoustic. Also, I'm thinking, would it be okay if I lay down vocal tracks on the "More to Lose" acoustic, then I'll include it in the Part Three of the trilogy?

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I always listen to your album. In fact, the melodies are always ringing in my head--from beginning to end. Each song stirs a somber note in my heart, perhaps because most of the melodies also belong to my own past; I've already heard most of them long ago, so they have the power to transcend me back to our youthful days.

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With the way you weaved the contents of your first album, you would be committing a mortal sin if you will not follow it up with another full album. I'm already eager to hear new stuff.

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Regarding my "Karnabal" musical project: It seems that Emong Payaso and I are on a hiatus, because of the preparation for the gig last night. Each of us was busy focusing on his own band.

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I was unable to bring a video cam, so I'm unsure if someone got to record my performance last night.

My original song "For Her Brilliance" (the original arrangement) was included in the set. Many people liked the melody. In fact, some of them were singing the chorus: "Can't you see me? Falling for the thousand time" over and over after the performance. I might ask Payaso to help me with recording a version of it as soon as we finished "Karnabal."

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I'm really ready for family life. Because my leisure activities here could no longer satiate my restlessness. What I really need and want is certainty about my life. I may still be youthful in my perspective and taste in music and sense of fashion, but with regard to aspirations, I've certainly arrived on a higher level.

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My plan to go home late next year is still on, of course. Charlotte and I deserve to be happy soon. But since my immigration papers is still hanging, all plans remain uncertain too.

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May life become more good to me soon. My patience is running low. It's draining and exhausting the positivist in me.

Your friend in Canada.